


When I Grow Up

by celluloid



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 18:08:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/801602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celluloid/pseuds/celluloid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It isn't that Ryan's selfish, it's just that... something. (Takes place during late S3.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Grow Up

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written in February 2010 for the help_haiti effort on LiveJournal.

“Oh my god,” her voice bursts through the air, loud and energetic and borderline crazed as ever, “isn’t this one so cute?”

Ryan glances over his shoulder and, subsequently, over Kelly’s, taking in the bit of her computer monitor that he can actually see without her head blocking it. He shrugs – a futile effort since nobody but him is going to appreciate it – and turns back around to his own desk. “Mmm,” he murmurs without commitment. It’s enough.

“I mean, can’t you just see it? I can totally see us living here. It’s gorgeous and it’s so pretty and it has a pretty front yard and people will think we’re awesome and it’s in such a beautiful neighbourhood and we could totally appreciate each other in it because it’s small but not too small that we couldn’t have lots of stuff or even parties because it’s in an area where we could meet so many other couples and it would be so wonderful and…” Kelly goes on, wrapped up in the world of her screen that’s already made the jump to the world in her head.

She’s looking at houses.

Not temporary, oh-I’ve-just-moved-out-and-am-trying-to-assert-my-independence-and-show-I-can-get-on-my-own-feet houses, but we’re-a-committed-couple-and-this-is-probably-where-we’re-going-to-die houses.

As in, _Ryan, where do see yourself in five years?_ houses.

He sees himself out of the small apartment, in his late-late twenties or early-early thirties, living with Kelly, apparently. Are they married? They’re living together. So, maybe.

“… not to say that it couldn’t use a little bit of work, because, like, it’s _beige_ , and beige is like, so _boring_. Who wants to live in a beige house? But it’s so perfect other than that. We could totally paint it. And it would be so pretty, oh my god, Ryan, we could paint it this bright pink and it would be even more gorgeous and it would be perfect and—“

“Kelly,” he finally interjects, “you don’t paint a house pink.”

He hears her chair swivel at this so he turns himself around as well to meet her gaze. “Well, Ryan,” she says, “maybe _I_ paint my house pink. It would be beautiful. So pink it is.”

“I’m not living in a pink house,” he says, voice flat as ever, and hey, it’s a fair enough point. It also works as a general statement, and it’s non-committal, so, nothing wrong there.

“Why not?” she pouts. “Is it because people would think you’re gay? Because they totally wouldn’t, Ryan. They’d see that you’re there with me and they’d go, ‘Oh, wow, aren’t those two just the cutest couple? Their kids are going to be the most adorable things _ever_ ,’ and it would be so obvious.”

“I’m not worried about that,” Ryan says, then shakes his head that he’s even acknowledging the argument. Not going to happen. Oh, god. “But. Kelly. _Nobody_ has a pink house. Not the kind of pink you’re thinking of. There’s a reason for that.”

“Well, that’s just because everyone else is lame,” she says flippantly, then turns back around. “God, Ryan, don’t be so lame. Actually,” Kelly pauses for a moment, “we could even make it purple. That would be just as awesome. And I’ve totally seen a purple house before, Ryan Howard, so don’t even try to object.”

Ryan feels blank. “People don’t have brightly-coloured houses because they look awful and tacky.”

“Like you’d know about tacky,” Kelly bites back. “Fine,” and she’s off again before he gets the chance to reply. “It could be a soft pink. I just want it to have some _colour_ , Ryan. Can it have some colour?”

“Sure,” Ryan shrugs, leaning forwards to look at what are probably some important papers. “You can live in a house with some colour.”

This conversation is taking place because Kelly was feeling hurt and unappreciated and lonely one day. Even though he’d already been forcibly moved back into the annex, apparently being that close wasn’t enough for her or their relationship. Because they’d had an on-again-off-again-what-are-we-doing relationship for the past just under two years, that meant that by this point in time they should be _serious_. Or, well, more so than before. Whatever before was, because frankly, he hasn’t really been setting the pace for the relationship.

It’d been in his best interests not to. And that was working rather nicely.

But one day he went out to a potential sales call on his own (not that anything came of it), and had taken that opportunity to grab lunch with a friend. So he’d spent a few hours out of the office, and away from the annex, and away from Kelly. And when he’d come back he’d heard Toby say something in his too-soft voice before making his way around the cubicle wall. Their eyes had met and they’d looked at each other for a moment before Toby dropped his gaze first and shook his head, mumbling, “You’ve gotta do something, man,” before returning to his own chair.

Ryan had stood there for a moment, wondering what it was that was going on, Kelly’s sniffling suddenly becoming audible to him. And then he pieced it together, because it was Kelly, and it was likely that his phone had been vibrating up a storm that he’d ignored the whole time. The number of missed calls was probably something to be feared.

But if she felt this strongly, then…

“Hey, Kelly,” he’d said, entering their space to find Kelly wiping half-heartedly at her eyes. She’d looked up at him and opened her mouth to say something before he’d brought his own down to it, part shutting her up, part reaffirmation, part pleasure.

When they’d pulled apart, she’d blinked. “Where were you?” she’d asked.

“Work, Kelly. It was for work. I have to do that, you know.”

“I know,” she’d mumbled, “but you were gone so long and I called you and…”

“Hey,” he’d said softly, injecting what he’d felt was an appropriate amount of caring into his voice at the time, “look, I’m back now, right? So everything’s okay, yeah?”

Kelly glanced down, then back up at him. “Well I don’t know, I mean, I love you, and it was so awesome when you moved back here and I know it isn’t permanent but for right now it’s awesome and it’s fun, or I thought it would be but even though we’re seeing so much more of each other now and we’re so much closer together it still feels like you’ve been ignoring me and then going away for so long like that, and last weekend you didn’t even call me or anything, and I just don’t understand what’s going on. Is everything okay, Ryan?”

The mistake had been saying that everything was fine, that maybe they were just entering a new level in their relationship. That he really did enjoy being with her throughout the day—

“So what, like, you’re just adjusting to this?”

“Yeah.”

“But it’s good?”

“Absolutely.”

“Oh my god – I think I know what’s going on. Ryan. Ryan. Are you saying we should move in together?”

“Yeah, I—what?”

The “what” had gone by, missed as she’d squealed and jumped up and hugged him and Ryan was left staring over her shoulder at the walls in the background, wondering what he’d just agreed to. It was pretty clear but she couldn’t possibly be serious, because this was just supposed to be a thing, and he was so close to graduating now and then he could get a job somewhere else, somewhere he’d be good, and not be constantly belittled by a lackluster (no) sales count and not be around the crazy people around him who had all adapted to their crazy environment and he did not want to be a part of it. Kelly included. It would be easy to avoid them all, Kelly included.

But she’d already taken it and run with it, starting off on how even though some of his stuff was at her place and some of her stuff was at his – and of course! If they were already splitting stuff between apartments, then of course this was the next step, that was the next level he’d been talking about, of their relationship and advancing it further and getting serious because it only made sense if they were spending this much time together already it was as if they were testing out their lives together and it was working out and it was good so of course it only made sense to move in together – then maybe they could start looking at something bigger, like an actual house. The place where they would live when they’d get married and where they could see each all the time, after work and on weekends, and they could share a bed and—

That’s where he was now.

Running those few minutes in his mind over and over while behind him Kelly gleefully looked at houses that were for sale in Scranton on the internet.

And gleefully chattered about it.

The whole time.

It was day three.

And now she’d found her near-perfect house. _Their_ near-perfect house. So while the searching might end, the talking wouldn’t, and it was growing more and more serious by the second.

“It looks like they’re having an open house next weekend, too… Ryan! We should totally go! And then we could put in an offer, and—“

“Do you even have enough money for a house? Do you know how much they cost?”

“ _Duh._ They’re like, a lot of money. But I actually have some stuff saved up and I know you do and if I need more I’m sure my parents would be totally willing to help me out and I could pay them back and I bet your parents could do the same for you, especially since it’s like, a big commitment and everything and they’d be so proud of us for that and so happy for us. And we could totally take out a loan too so yeah. Let’s do it.”

There went that argument.

“We’re totally doing this!!”

And he can’t think of another one.

“I’m so excited!!”

Kelly gets up and hugs him, draping her arms down over his shoulders to clasp her hands together somewhere underneath his head, and he just sits and stares forwards. “Hey, I’m also kinda hungry now so I think I’m gonna have lunch. You coming?”

Ryan blinks, swallows, and then finds his voice. “No – not yet.” He’s lost his appetite. This is too big, too much at once, and what on earth made him take this step?

But he didn’t take it – Kelly inferred it. And now here they are.

“Okay!” she says, snapping him out of his thoughts. She leans down a little further to kiss the top of his head, then pulls back, breaking the body contact and giggling as she does so. “I can’t believe we’re really doing this!” she says, again, because it’s definitely the only thing to really cross her mind now. She claps her hands together, takes a deep breath as though composing herself, and then lets it all go right away as she walks out of their small space, squealing on the way.

The second she’s gone his head drops into the palm of his hand. He massages his temples, trying to combat the oncoming headache, and swallows – again. Tries to regain his composure, stop making his throat close up on itself, and to just breathe normally.

This doesn’t have to be the be-all end-all, he tells himself. It isn’t even final yet. Anything could happen with Kelly at any moment. Now that she’s found the house she’ll grow bored with the idea of it and—

But she’s never really grown bored with him, and this is directly related to him, so…

He shudders.

Breathes.

Raises his head, looks back at his computer monitor, and tries to push the thought out of his head with work.

Work, the place where he met Kelly.

There has got to be a brighter future for him. Just because this is happening _now_ doesn’t mean it’s going to be the reality _later_. This doesn’t matter. This is a pipedream, and then Kelly will wake up, and realize that at this point in time it’s honestly just not a good idea, and then they’ll go back to dating and casual sex, and once he’s graduated and has gotten a new job, a better job, then he’ll break it off and move on.

And that’s a much more realistic plan than anything Kelly can come up with, so it’s far more likely that it will work out.

He does whatever it is he needs to do and when Kelly comes back from lunch, still bubbling over with glee and with far too much a bounce in her step – how does she manage that with heels that high, anyway? – that’s when he says that he’s going to take his own lunch now.

Kelly ignores the timeliness of it, just kisses him again and tells him that everything’s so awesome now, so, okay. She’s just going to look into things a little more, but she is so, so, so excited. And so is he. And it’s going to be so great.

He leaves without saying a word.

He walks out and finds himself in the main area, realizing that he hadn’t even brought anything, not that he’s hungry now anyway, and trying to figure out which way to go again, before he catches Pam looking at him. When she notices that he’s noticed, she flashes him a grin and gives him a thumbs up from the reception desk.

So she probably had lunch with Kelly.

And maybe Kelly mentioned something that he wasn’t even aware of yet, so, he might as well go over and ask her what that was about, what she’d heard. He heads over, and as he passes Jim’s desk he hears him say, “So, you and Kelly are moving in together, huh?”

Ryan stops, because of course Jim knows. If Pam knows then Jim finds out pretty much right after. And he probably knows everything that Pam does, and he’s already initiated a conversation, so.

“Maybe.”

“You were looking at buying a new place together? That’s pretty serious,” Jim says, swiveling his chair around to face Ryan.

“Look, I wasn’t the one looking for anything. She was. And it probably isn’t going to amount to anything, anyway,” and he isn’t sure who he’s trying to convince here. “I’m not ready and she probably just thinks that she is, but really, we’ll check the place out and she’ll be too overwhelmed and things will go back to normal.” That’s the plan.

Jim frowns, or mock-frowns; who knows. “No, I think she’s really going to go for this. She sounded pretty certain. But hey,” he says, clapping Ryan on the side, “it’s a good move. Really. Good for you, man.”

Of course it’s good for him – because it’s the girl he’s with, and the one he wants to be with, apparently. And it’s progressing and becoming increasingly serious and impossible to back out of. Yeah, it’s good. “I haven’t even told her it’s going to happen. I haven’t told her that I want this…”

“Really? It sure sounds like you have.”

Ryan shakes his head. “No. No, I haven’t said anything like that. That’s what _she_ said.”

He really shouldn’t have been surprised at Michael’s voice suddenly coming from behind him, but he starts all the same. “What?” Michael loudly asks. Ryan tries to compose himself before turning to look at him. “What did she say? I missed it.” He’s grinning broadly and looks like he’s just ready to collapse on himself in giggles and he’s so damn excited to find out and, oh, god.

Ryan turns to look back at Jim but Jim just gives him one of those looks and then leans back to watch.

“Nothing,” Ryan says, voice dry. “It wasn’t like—“

“No, no, Ryan, you’ve gotta tell me!” Michael cries out. He grasps Ryan’s shoulder, and, okay. “Come on, man, we’re friends, and that’s what close friends do, we share awesome, hilarious jokes.”

He’s so damn earnest. “No, it really wasn’t like that,” Ryan insists. “It’s just something that Kelly’s been talking about—“

“Oh! What’s going on with you two?” And there are two people who just can’t stay out of his life.

“It’s been, um,” Ryan coughs, experiments with the idea of just mumbling something and then slipping away (back to work, back to Kelly), realizes that isn’t going to work and just quietly says, “about how we’re probably going to move in together, but she—“

Michael’s face lights up at this and he pulls Ryan in for a hug, absolutely beaming. He squeezes and Ryan’s gaze move from side to side, wondering just why this is happening to him. When he finally pulls back and lets Ryan catch his breath he smiles and whispers into his ear, “I’m so proud of you, man. This is great.” Then he steps away, out to face the office in general, spreads his arms wide and yells out, “Attention, everyone!”

Ryan just stands there in shell-shocked horror.

“Attention!” Michael yells out again, and exasperated, uninterested heads turn up to look at him. Kelly and Toby even emerge from the annex. “I have just found out that Ryan, here,” he says, clapping Ryan on the back and making him stumble forwards just a little, “is going to be moving in with Kelly. They’re growing closer and more in love and they’re going to totally make it. Congratulations!”

There’s a round of half-hearted applause and Ryan notices just how white Kelly’s teeth are as she smiles, fists clenched up near her chest and shaking in excitement, knees quivering.

He looks down and walks back to her, taking her by the arm and pulling her back into the annex.

They make out for a while there.

At the end of the workday, Ryan reflects on what Michael had later said to him. “You’ve got a great career with the bestest boss ever, and you’re going have a family soon, I bet – you’re the luckiest guy ever, Ryan. Looks, money, a girl; you’ve got it _all_.”

No, he really doesn’t.

And he can’t come up with an excuse to not go out with Kelly that weekend, either – not in light of everything, not now – so they end up on a quick lunch date, shortly followed by dinner. At a nice place. Nice, romantic – because Kelly picked the place.

“When do you think we should get married?” she asks in between bites.

Ryan opens his mouth to answer but she doesn’t even notice, twirling her fork around in the air. “We should definitely start planning for it. Oh my god, Ryan, when are you going to propose to me? No, wait, don’t tell me, I want to be totally surprised. Oh my god, it’s going to be _so_ romantic. Have you got a ring yet? No, wait, don’t tell me! Oh my god, this is going to be so amazing. It’s going to be really soon I bet. I can’t wait! How many kids do you think we should have?”

“… I don’t know,” he says quietly.

This isn’t how life is supposed to work out for him. He’s supposed to go to university, graduate from business school, quickly work his way up to a high-paying executive job, and then he could probably find a hot, intelligent girl to have a thing with for a few months, before moving on to another one, and another, carrying these flings on for however long until he’s ready for… whatever it is that’s ultimately in his future. He can’t see that far ahead, but he can see far ahead enough. And Kelly’s plans do not fit into this vision.

This is not where his life was leading to when he turned 18, graduated high school, and became a legal adult, responsible for himself in this world.

This is not going to happen. It just can’t happen.

But when another week in the annex with Kelly passes and he can’t come up with any excuses with all of her talking and speculating on their futures together and their lives together and how amazing it’s going to be, how they’re moving along so perfectly and this is her dream come true, he’s resigned to going to that open house with her.

And he has to admit, the place is rather nice. It reminds him of his parents’.

Maybe it’s a possibility. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it really could. Maybe he should start looking for a ring.

He gets his first Kelly-free day in two weeks that Sunday and takes the time for himself. He stays in all day, taking the time to think. He evaluates his life, where he’s at right now, where he thought he’d be by now, where he wants to be in the future, where he’s probably going to be in the future.

On Monday he deals with Kelly again.

On Tuesday, he takes his last final.

By Friday, he finds out that he’s done an extraordinary job, he’s some kind of wunderkind, he’s headed for great things and – yes, absolutely, he’s passed. He’s graduated. He’s done business school and it’s time for the real world now.

So he takes Kelly out in celebration, and they both get really drunk, and they somehow end up back at his place and they have sex. And again the next day. And again on Monday morning, right before work.

He takes a long lunch that day to drive up to New York and interview for the job that’s opened up at corporate.


End file.
